Tim
- Jun 7, 2021
- 3 min read

HOW MUCH HUMAN? Theoretical Weight Gained By: Summer Hot Dogs

Happy Summer! Now let's ruin a deserved favorite tradition it by finding out how much theoretical weight Americans put on by firing up the grill and woofing down 7 billion hot dogs between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

Two smiling hot dogs ripping off the peanut butter jelly time dance.

....

I do it because I care.

Look, even I get cravings for a hot dog every o̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ few years if I'm at a dinner or party and there really is no other option and I need to eat something and for whatever reason I absolutely can't wait until I get home or leave to find something more palatable that won't make me cringe/gag as I'm falling asleep for years to follow because it's really just a solid, hot Slushee made of the inedible and unidentifiable parts of animal swept into an industrial blender—

An industrial pipe oozes hot dog slime that almost looks better than a Wendy's chocolate frosty—but it's beef!

Mmmm..."all beef" Margaret lies to herself in the background as she wonders which circle of Dante's hell accommodates all those complicit in the industrial food disaster.

—but we all need to do our part to help topple the broken industrial food complex and take control of our systems and nutrition. We've gone from Victory Gardens to HOA hate letters in less than a century. Victory Gardens died out the same year that the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization was founded. Coincidence? Maybe. Probably. I just plopped in the first major food event that Google said happened that year and drew a conclusion. TV dinners wouldn't ruin home meals for another 8 years, although diners and drive-thrus did start to conquer the scene just after the war...

Anyhow, let's go ahead and get grossed out and see how many pounds of weight Americans pack on from wieners while toasting their buns between Memorial and Labor Days.

A flashing neon wiener dog walks awkwardly by...

It's relevant...

The Roadmap

The #'s

Seven. Billion.

*Hork*

That's 818 per second all summer, according to hot-dog.org.

smh

Dudes, that's over 21 hot dogs per American if everyone was eating them. Take out the hippies and people with common sense and self-respect and I'm sure it clears 30/per heathen. That's just to say that most of us are guilty.

Now I thought this would be more cut and dry like that bad lemon juice peroxide bleach job & haircut you let your neighbor's kid give 'ya in the 80's, but to be frank, these puppies are all over the place. I looked up the top ten selling brands of hot dogs and averaged out their calories:

Ball Park 130

Oscar Mayer 148

Hebrew National 260

Bar S 290

Nathans 350

Armour 150

Store Brand 270

Hillshire 240

Ekrich 140

Farmer john 140

Average calories 235.33

Then the top buns:

Ballpark 140

Alpha Baking 140

Ballpark 140

Wonder 110

Pepperidge 140

Sola Gola Wheat 180

Average calories 142

Not counting condiments, we have an average hot dog and bun at 377.33 calories.

But I kept seeing averages from questionable sources like Live Strong and Eat This Much, so I wanted to take their hard work into consideration and average their averages:

Nutritionix 316

Eating Well 270

Housing K State 287

Very Well Fit 314

Eat This Much 290

Livestrong 220

Confused as to whether or not they were looking at HDs&Bs on the same planet, I'm surprised by their average hot dog and bun of 282 calories.

So to be fair, we'll consider both and show a range of tons of wiener weight.

A medieval priest swallowing a hot dog whole

Mona Lisa's less mysterious brother, Boner Lisa

The NUTRITION

None.

A kawaii hotdog carrying a sleeping man through space

Too cute to eat anyways...

The FORMULA

Calories Sold ÷ 3,500 calories* = Theoretical Human Weight

*1 lb human fat = 3,500 calories

Tim's "Research"

7 billion hd&b X 377.33 calories = 2,641,310,000,000 calories

2,641,310,000,000 Calories ÷ 3,500 calories* = 754,660,000

754,660,000 Pounds of Theoretical Human Weight

"Trusted" Sources "Research"

7 billion hd&b X 282 calories = 1,974,000,000,000 calories

1,974,000,000,000 Calories ÷ 3,500 calories* = 564,000,000

564,000,000 Pounds of Theoretical Human Weight

The Range

564,000,000—754,660,000 Pounds

255,829—342,312 Tons

of Theoretical Human Weight From Summer Hot Dogs

HEALTHY HOT DOG ALTERNATIVES

To help knock a few pounds off the near equivalent tonnage of the Empire State Building, here are some resources to help you find with your future favorite franks that might help you and yours celebrate a few more Memorial Days this lifetime. There has to be at least one in there worth trying...

HEALTHY-ISH HOT DOGS

https://www.menshealth.com/nutrition/g26835385/healthy-hot-dogs/

VEGETARIAN FAKES

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/food/g29700616/vegetarian-hot-dogs/

ALTERNATIVES

https://www.reserveamerica.com/outdoors/alternatives-to-the-classic-hot-dog.htm